Happy Birthday! Yeah Right ! Who am I kidding?

It started out fine, honestly, I got out of bed. So far so good, I ran the bath, got in and had a lovely long soak. Bliss. Then I got out. Shouldn't have. Should have stayed in there. It was warm soaky and lovely and safe. But no, I had to get out. Whoever put the soap in the dish on the floor is going to pay big time! How the hell was I supposed to see it down there? To be fair, I didn't exactly slip on it, it was more or a glide, a bump, and a great big yell, followed by the best swear words that even I, with my great range of encyclopedic knowledge of how to turn the air blue, was quite impressed with the range that flew out of my mouth and reverberated round the house. unfortunately I was the only person in the house. Nobody came to my rescue, nobody was there for me to take my naked, blue in the face, and lily white body, hopping around the bathroom, anger out on. Probably a good thing really. It wasn't something that would be forgotten in a hurry. Anyway, nursing my big toe, and hopping to the bedroom, I decided that counting to ten would be a good idea. Either that or throw the stupid soap bowl out of the window. I felt sorry for myself. I have to admit it. You know what I mean, you want to cry, laugh and swear at the same time.

I eventually got myself dressed, went downstairs and made some coffee. Stress free coffee, I might add as at that point everything seemed to have calmed down from my temper to my throbbing toe. Okay I thought, let's start again. Now at this point I was trying to forget that I had an appointment with the Nurse at the local Doctors surgery for my ear. This is going to sound really stupid, but bare with me please, I know there are lots of earplugs that are out there on the market, spongy ones, plastic ones, all sorts really, to stop having to listen to the SNORING THAT EMANATES FROM MY HOUSE IN THE NIGHT!! Sorry for shouting, but I am at my wits end trying not to kill someone. Anyway, I had this great idea. Why not put some tissue paper in my ears at night? Good huh? cheap and cheerful, easy to dispose of, what's the problem? Nobody told me that it would go hard as a rock, slide into the ear canal and get stuck against my eardrum, that's the problem. So here I was, sitting drinking my coffee, thinking about my big day. What lovely, special birthday presents were they going to buy me? Where were they going to take me? How the hell was the nurse going to get that great wad of TISSUE OUT OF MY STUPID BLOODY EAR? Sorry, did it again, didn't I? I am still feeling somewhat unstable. You must understand. My toe throbbed, it had started again, and so did my ear.

So while I was waiting for my big day to get going, I decided to dye my hair! Good eh? that will cheer me up, make me look glam, get rid of the grey hairs beginning to show at the roots. So of I trotted, or hopped, don't forget the toe, and got all the bits and bobs together to dye it. Luckily this went without to much of a problem. Well that was until just after I had dried it, it decided to be dark muddy blond instead of shiny summer glow. Great I thought, but at least it covered the grey. Still I thought, by the time I come back from the Nurse, get myself ready for my big birthday present surprises, and go to the local pub for a small, yes I said small, bevy of drinks, what me? drink a lot? what do you think I am?! I should be feeling rather chipper. So of I go at three o clock, down the road, around the corner, and into the Doctors. Now at this stage, I was feeling rather good. Soon I would be able to hear again, then I wouldn't look lopsided, I tend to lean to the left to try and hear people talking, I am sure they think I have cricked my neck, and the looks of sympathy turn to hilarity when I keep saying, A? What? can't hear ya!, Anyway where was I? Oh yeah, happy as a pig in s...t, sorry poo. I keep looking at the electric board that tells you when it is your time to go in, and when it flashed up my name, of I went all full of expectation. ' Please come in' said the nurse, 'how can I help you?' 'it;s my ear' said I. 'Okay, sit down and I will take a look', what did you do to it?' I told her. She looked at me. Now, I don't know if she thought that I was joking, or if I was just completely mad. Both seemed to fit me quite well.

'Okay, tip your head to one side, and I will put the water machine in and try and wash it out' she said. 'Oh no, not the cricked neck again' I thought, but i did it. 'um, this looks really blocked' she said 'What?' I replied. I couldn't hear her, I had a wad of tissue oh never mind...

A while later, after she had pulled my earlobe, poured a gallon and a half of water down my eardrum, well it felt like it! and completely managed to soak my shoulder, the towel kept slipping, she finally said ' The good news is that I have managed to retrieve the tissue, and please don't be stupid enough to do it again,' at this I looked sufficiently humbled, 'The bad news is that you have to apply this pad to your ear in case of infection, as it has scratched the eardrum', I looked at her in horror! You have got to be kidding me! I then looked over at the pad on the desk that she was planning to stick to the side of my head and realised to my horror that I was supposed to be going out drinking tonight! She saw my expression. 'well, if you must put tissue in your ear, what do you expect? NOT THIS, NO! My brain screamed. She placed it on my ear, and as my ears tend to be slightly pointed at the top, yeah I know, Spock, get called it all the time, so don't you start!, I realised with horror that I looked like Shrek! 'Oh great' I thought. fan bloody tastic! I tried to cover it as much as possible, but there is only so much you can do. I held my head down, mumbled thank you very much, and headed out the door. Now I won't bore you with the fact that after this, my series of events took in the fact that one, my brother decided he wanted to go shopping, and I walked down that high street, trying desperately to cover my head in the heat. which looked stupid in itself, two, when I got home, Jake had bought me a pair of jeans that didn't fit, and my son had completely forgotten, and three Da Dah, my friend suddenly decided that she couldn't go out after all! No, I know what you are thinking, she never saw my Shrek ear, she just phoned me! And I can tell ya, have you ever tried holding a phone to the 'wrong' ear, because you can't get near the 'good' one? nope? try it, it's a pain in the neck, or ear or something.

So my story ends ear, sorry here. A sore left big toe, a pair of jeans that don't fit, a son who has forgotten that I have birthdays, and an EAR THAT LOOKS LIKE AN ALIEN! Sorry, yelling again, can't hear you, sorry about that.......... ( Where's my birthday cake ?!!)

If you want to give someone a special birthday then why not try out a few of these ideas?

We all love birthday presents but sometimes we also like to do something completely different. How about going to a fun fair? It doesn't matter how old you are, there is always something to do. Go back to your childhood for a few hours, it's so relaxing and great fun.

Does your partner ever get the chance to go and see a show? Why not take them to see the latest Andrew Lloyd Webber stage production, or if you like something a bit lighter, maybe take them to see a comedian and have a good laugh. That will certainly make for a happy birthday.

If you live near the beach, why not take them there for the day, and make it special by enjoying a food hamper filled with all your favourite nibbles, followed by champagne?

Ever thought of hiring a boat? A nice weekend on the river can be a really fun experience, and there are some great weekend deals for small cruisers out there.

These are just a few ideas, to get your mind thinking of new and exciting ways to make that birthday gift special. It doesn't always have to be a new pair of jeans! HAPPY BIRTHDAY

Oh, and don't forget the Birthday Cake!