Transition Pt 5. I bite Back, Men Men glorious Men, And a romantic liason on a caravan roof!

Sooooooooo! where was I? Oh yes, fed up and sick and tired of the whole damn mess. So one day, a little while after the first initial shock of my husband wanting to be, well, the same as me, I decided that actually I felt a prowl coming on. I was peed to the back teeth of smelling perfumes and finding clothes that didn't belong to me. I wanted a man. Now. Fast. Go to the shop buy one sort of man. No flirting, no 'would you like a drink?' and no 'I bought you some flowers'. Bollocks to that. I wanted a man that I could take out of the cupboard do the do, as many times that I wanted, and put him back in again, along with a sprig of heather (good for moths) and a packet of wrigley's (to keep his breath fresh) can't abide a man with smelly teeth.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah. A man. So I phoned up my friend Sophie, and said, I want to go out, are you up for it? and she said, like she always does, 'Oh yes, too right'. So we arranged to go to the Chequers which was in my town.

She came to pick me up at eight, and we headed towards the nearest public house first, which was the George.

'So, what's the plan?' she asked

'i am going to get smoochy with the moochy' I said, a determined look on my face.

'Who's the moochy?' She said, beginning to laugh.

'Dunno yet, I'll tell ya when I see him'. I preened in the passenger seat mirror.

'And I came along, because.....?'

'Because you are the one who always finds the right man for the right situation, it's a knack that you have, don't you remember treading on Andre's foot accidentally, I might add, just as I was trying to figure out how to attract his attention. You got the knack girl, and I am using it today, so if you see any possibilities, aim them in my direction'.

'You got it' she replied.

 

We eventually got to the pub, and realised that it was virtually empty. Buying a drink we looked around. 'Well this is pathetic' i said, 'knock your drink back and we will go down the town'.

When I get a bee in my bonnet, so to speak, I can't stop buzzing. I don't know whether I wanted a man because I really felt hormonally directed, or just because I wanted to prove that I didn't need Jake. There were plenty of men out there, so I was going to get one. Now, fast.

We walked slowly down to the Chequers. Outside there was a queue, that seemed like a mile long. 'Great' I thought, we were never going to get in. My friend saw my face. 'Don't worry, the more the merrier!'

Soon the queue seemed to get smaller and we managed to dive into the bar. it was packed full of people that we hadn't seen before. Great, fresh blood!

After heading of to the ladies for a quick touch up of the make-up, I left Sophie to go get the drinks. It was absolutely packed with men and women, and I thought 'well even if there isn't anybody here for me, at least we will have a good time dancing and having a laugh'. But it wasn't long before I was chatting to a French man named Louis. He had sidled up to me without me noticing and to my surprise he handed me a rose. These were being sold in and around the pub by people who collected the money for charity.

Sophie had disappeared and I was trying desperately to see where she had gone, I don't mind standing on my own but not for too long. After a few drinks I wouldn't have minded, but I was still on my first and was feeling a bit nervous. I am all mouth and trousers when it comes to men, I give it all that, but when I am thrown into the deep end I fall to pieces. Anyway there was I standing there trying to be all flirty and I suddenly realised that the rose was for me.

'Hi, my name is Louis, can i get you a drink?' his voice was very accented and I found it difficult to understand him, so I just smiled and nodded like I knew what the hell he was talking about. Coming back with my vodka, yes I needed something strong, I tried to engage him in some semblance of conversation.

'So, where do you come from? oh great very intelligent! I thought, ' he must think that you are a complete brainball.

'I come from France, and this is the first time that I 'ave been over 'ere' He leaned forward until his mouth was right by my ear. 'you are verrrry pritty' he smooched in his twangy accent.

'Oh um, well thank you' great, that was even better, I am so good at chatting men up. Not.

'you want to um, come outside for a leetle fresh air?'

Er, no, ta very much, you look too much like a shark after a tiddler. But of course I never said that.

'I would love too, but I have to wait for my friend' I said pathetically. He looked disappointed. did I look easy? I thought, forgetting that I had said earlier that I was out for a good time. me and my mouth. Suddenly I spotted Sophie, she was gesturing to me, waving her arms about across the room and pointing to five guys at the bar.

'Excuse me' I muttered, and maneuvered my way over to her.

'What's up?' I whispered in her ear. I didn't want to make it obvious that we were talking about the men that she was standing with.

Eyes sparkling, she said 'These guys are from South Africa and they are over here on holiday, they want us to go back to their Caravan that is parked down the field, what do you think?' I looked at her as if she was mad.

'Here get this down your neck' she said handing me another vodka. So I did what any normal intelligent woman would do. I drank the lot. Now there's something that I forgot to mention. I have this strange affinity with drink. To start with it helps me unwind. After two or three, I am so unwound that I am completely unraveled. I turn into another person completely. The nervous woman was gone, and the tiger emerged ready for action and a bit of well you know, fun.

I smiled in my new confidence, and leered at the nearest man. He had blond hair, a crooked smile and a very large wallet. I said wallet, what did you think I was going to say?!

'Okay, I am up for it, let's go' I went sailing out the door, as if my feet didn't touch the ground. There was a small voice in the back of my head saying, yeah clever, you don't know these guys, what the hell are you doing? But let me just explain one thing. My subconcious is a great leveler. I was aware that there were girls with us as well, and I knew that Sophie was sensible and would not stay if she thought that there was anything dodgy. These guys, I hasten to add, were perfectly nice people, and they had girlfriends with them, well some of them did anyway.

I learned that they were staying down in my town for a few days, and the plan was just to go back and have a few drinks. We eventually got to the park, and I expected to see the Caravan.

'Where is it? I asked

'Through there' said the nice blond one, who's name was Sonny. I peered through the darkness and realised that it was all the way through the park towards the field by the river.

Now by this time the alcohol had taken over and I set of in the dark. There were plenty of people about so I knew it would be fine. Eventually we managed to get into the field, the grass was quite high here, and there were a few pot holes in the ground. Somehow I managed not to trip, which is always the case with me when I am drunk. I only fall over when sober. It figures.

We came across the Caravan. Opening the door, we climbed in and sat down.

'Beer, whisky or Vodka?' Sonny asked.

'Vodka' I replied, my mind in a lovely blur of warm silliness. 'Fancy coming up on the roof?' Sonny raised his eyebrows at me.

'Oh yeah' I giggled and got up. Jumping down onto the grass I made my way around the caravan until I could see the ladder up on the side. Without thinking about it, I took a leap and found myself on the top of the caravan. There was a green mat like thingy on the top. Sonny appeared behind me, and handed me my drink.

'Wow, that was some move, how the hell did you get up here that quick?' he looked suprised. I suprised myself. I could not have done that sober!

i lay back on the green soft matting. 'This is great' I said, 'I can see the stars so clearly'.

I could hear the others laughing and chatting in the caravan below. 'Who needs stars?' Sonny said, leaning over me.

I could feel a grin coming on, and then the drink kicked in. I grabbed him to me and kissed him, 'wey hey' I thought, 'never done it on top of a caravan before' That was my last thought before indulging in a little, well, fun!

'Nell, where are you? NELL? GET DOWN HERE!' I jerked up. 'What the f...? I peered down over the side of the caravan. Sophie was standing there, hands on hips, eyebrows raised. 'Having fun? she said.

'Ooh yeah' I smiled swaying slightly. 'I think we had better go'. My face dropped. 'Why?' I sulked. pulling that face you do when slightly inebriated.

She started pointing towards the park entrance. mouthing to me 'NOW!'

I slithered towards the ladder, and God knows how, went down head first, yelling back over my shoulder, 'Seeya'.

We smiled and started to walk away. 'Where are you going?' Sonny was scratching his head, a puzzled look on his face.

'Back in a minute' I yelled, looking at Sophie with a grin.

'One, two three, LET'S GO! She yelled. And we ran. Ten twenty thirty yards, then whoomp! Straight into a great big frigging fence. It was pitch black. We looked at each other. 'Tell me again why we ran?' I asked.

'She just looked at me. 'Don't you remember saying that if you were doing anything that you wouldn't do sober, then come and get you?' I stopped. And remembered. this was our plan that we always used. Thank goodness she remembered it. I knew I would be grateful to her in the morning. But at this particular time, in the pitch black, facing a ten foot fence, I wasn't feeling the love. 'How the hell do we get out of here?' I said.

'We climb' She replied. Well can you imagine. Two women forty years old, climbing a fence at two in the morning, skirts hitched up and scratches all over our legs! We did it though! Falling over the other side, we just looked at each other. And burst out laughing. We might be over the hill, but we could still climb a few fences!

'Do you think they knew how old we were?' She hiccuped with laughter.

I grinned, swayed, then high fived her. 'Not a chance!' hee hee.

The next day I awoke, and my first thought was, 'Oh my God!' The second was, 'Ha ha, you still got the touch girl!'