Transition: pt 2 Closed Curtains and a Nightmare in the Pub.
90The Nightmare Begins
This is the story of inbetween. The feelings and hurt that came with the realisation that my husband would never be the same again. He wanted to be a woman. Continued.
Time goes on, as it does. For the first few months after learning the truth about my husband, I was in a state of exhaustion, near nervous breakdown and trying to recover from the kidney operation that I had just been through. I eventually got home and for the first few weeks I slept in my sons room. I am ashamed to say that I can't really remember what my son was feeling about it all, all I knew was that he seemed to be coping quite well. The bullying at school was a few weeks away, and I think he thought that it would all work out okay. I couldn't look at my husband. It wasn't him anyway, this person was an alien, a complete stranger who just happened to look like him. He talked to me, I just nodded my head. I couldn't even hear him. I kept the curtains closed. The night times were one hallucinatory dream after another. I retreated into my own little world. Tablets to calm me, medicine for my kidney, and just watching TV night after night. I know I must have done the usual things like cooking and washing, but I can't remember anything about that at all. Jakes mother had died and he seemed to be going over there a lot to the house, so we didn't have much to do with each other. But soon my mind began to clear, and I felt my strength, both physically and mentally, coming back. Life goes on and we have to deal with it.
A public Humiliation
At this time, my friends decided that I needed a night out. I was a bit nervous, but thought that if anybody said anything to me, I would be fine, I could handle it. So after getting dressed up, and slapping loads of make-up on, we headed down the town to our local pub. I had been coming here for ages, and thought that if there was anybody there that knew about my husband, they would be sympathetic. I couldn't have been more wrong. The sounds coming from the pub, escaped into the night air as we pulled into the car park.
'It will be fine' said Sara, 'Don't let anything upset you, just go to the bar and get a drink' So i walked in. The pub was crowded and I made my way to the bar. 'Vodka and coke please' I said. While I was waiting to be served, I heard a giggle just behind me. I ignored it at first, but I could feel the hairs on the back of my neck start to stand up. I had that horrible feeling I had felt at school, the one when I used to walk into the classroom and know that the bullies were going to start. The giggle came again, so I paid for my drink and turned around. There in front of me, were the two women that I didn't like. Catty and trouble making, they always managed to find someone to start on. I took a deep breath and deliberately walked through the middle of them to go to sit with my friends.
'So, who wears the trousers then?' I looked at there shiny fat faces in the light. 'What?' I said 'You heard' said the ugly one, they are always ugly, bullies seem to exert an ugliness even if their faces are pretty, which in this case it wasn't. 'Answer me a question' she said, 'Do you borrow each others knickers?' The other girl started giggling again, her blond curls falling across her face, trying to hide the smirk. I tried to ignore it. I felt transported back in time to when I was at school. I was such a pathetic little thing then. I never answered back, I never fought, I just ran away and hid. I could feel my face burning. I walked away. I couldn't see my friends anywhere, it was so busy.
'OY FREAK DIDN'T YOU HEAR ME?' The pub went silent, it was if all the people were holding their breath. I placed my drink on a nearby table and turned to face them. All eyes were on me. This was it, if I ran now, I would be humiliated for ever. I took a deep breath, and exhaled. Slowly I walked back towards them. The smile on their faces turned to smirks, and then an uncertain look came over their faces. It must have been my expression. The began to edge away.
'Are you talking to me?' I said quietly.'Yes, so?' they said. I looked around the room. 'If anybody has got anything to say, come and say it to my face, and you two' I turned back to the grinning witches, 'If you ever say that to me again, I will bang both of your heads together, until you can't get up of the floor, do you understand me?' 'I will make you bleed until you no longer have teeth in your head, then you won't be able to bitch about anybody ever again, get it?,DO YOU GET IT?' I yelled, right into their faces. They crumbled, one ran towards the door, and the other simpered, 'I am sorry, I was only joking'. I turned and went back towards the table and picked up my drink. The music started again, and a few people nodded at me and smiled. I smiled back. I walked towards my friends, who were just staring at me in amazement. 'Are you alright?' they asked. 'Yes I am fine' I replied.
I Crumble and fall
I slowly walked over to where I had put my coat. Turning to make sure that my friends didn't see me, I walked towards the door. The fresh air hit me. I could feel my body beginning to shake, I couldn't control my legs. I started running, running, running, up the road. I had no idea where I was going. My head was swirling, I felt sick and I thought that I was going to pass out. I couldn't handle the pressure of my husband changing, let alone having to face the outside world and it's cruelty. I was being beaten from both sides. I found myself outside another friends door.
'LET ME IN, FOR CHRIST SAKE, LET ME IN' I screamed. I knocked and knocked, until I saw a light come on in the downstairs hallway.
Falling to pieces
The door opened. My friend was standing there in her dressing gown. 'Nell, are you alright?' I rushed past her and into the kitchen. I can't get my breath. My body shakes all over. I crumple to the floor and burst into tears. The sobs wretch my body, I feel like I will never stop crying. Lina gives me a drink of water. She doesn't say anything she just stands and waits. Eventually I cry myself out. 'What the hell happened?' she whispers. I told her. 'Those bitches from hell, do you want me to go down there and give them something to bitch about?' she said. I shake my head. 'I might have known this would happen, I thought people might be nice to me, or even sympathetic, it's not my fault he's changed, I thought they would feel sorry for me, yet they have turned on me like a pack of rabid wolves'. 'What can I do? she asked 'Nothing, this is something that I have got to get used too. It has only just begun'.
I eventually walk home, drained and sore. Mentally I feel exhausted, physically I feel drained and aching. My Husband had changed into something I didn't even knew existed, and the world is taking it out on me, as though it was my fault. I wasn't woman enough to keep him being a man. I wasn't good enough to still be attractive, and keep him interested. He preferred to be a woman.
To be continued.
Before and After Hubs by Nell Rose
- The Transition of My Husband: The True story of my Life with a Transsexual
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I was looking back and smiling to myself at some of the things we used to get up to. We were always broke and looking for a way to make some money. But some of the things we go involved in were not only... - Gypsy's but not Tramps and Thieves
I grew up in a normal working class home, and went to school just up the road from where I lived. My mum and dad presumed I would marry a man that was similar to me, and up until the age of twenty I dated men...
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Meeting a Princess to Travelling around London by Nell Rose
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This is a hub request from fellow hubber pollyannalana, who asked me about London, and what it is like compared to America. So here goes. There is so much about London that is similar to America, but I... - Princess Diana The Queen of Our hearts. The story of the day I shook Her hand
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Marlow is the village where I was born, and grew up. When I was small, I didn't really appreciate it very much. It was just somewhere I lived. But after moving away for a few years, I could'nt wait to come...
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I hope you know we are very interested in your story...can't help it...we all have issues...and sometimes it is a easier to hear someone else's...I hope it helps you to write about it...I personally think you are a strong and beautiful person...my kids like to say that sexual orientation of whatever kind doesn't hurt anyone...but it often does....
It must have been awful but people are like that. When I got divorced after years of torment they turned on me and treat me like dirt. Yet he had the affairs and I never had one.
But Nell Rose, certainly you actually know that your husband's sexual preference is not about you, or what you did or didn't do. Perhaps you didn't know it at the time, but know it now. I went through a similar experience, and nothing is any more destructive emotionally. That is why I accept gay marriage and encourage gay and lesbian people to come out. If no one is hiding anything, this kind of thing will not happen. Most deceit comes from shame.
But what I can't even imagine is that people actually harassed you about it. I might expect that from kids, but not from adults. And yet I know how cruel people can be and that is why I protect myself so well. I look forward to reading the continuance of this story. (:v
Hi, Freya, I was in my late thirties, and these women were about the same age! time they grew up, I think, I will be doing the next installment shortly. thanks again nell
Hi, enlydia, I have got another one on the go, and I do agree with you about people saying it is fine now to be different, but not many people think about the family around them. thanks as always nell
Hi, Hello Hello, that must have been a nightmare, I can't understand why people always pick on the wrong one. In my case, Jake got a lot of stick about it, but so did I, but i soon learned to stick up for myself! thanks again nell
Hi, Valerie, I think it was because at the time I was feeling so vulnerable, I believed it was my fault. I had read about this sort of thing in the newspapers, but I never thought I would have a husband that would do it. There was a lot of arguments and blame being thrown around at that time, and my head was all over the place, where the bullies were concerned, you would be amazed at how old some of them were. I expect it from kids but not adults. I have never been a bitch or a bully even when I was thirteen years old, and to me it is totally alien. but there you go, there are people out there that are stupid and cruel, and I expect other people get it too. thanks again I really appreciate it, cheers nell
Hello... Your story was very interesting.. I look forward to reading more of them...
Hi, Sassypoetic, nice to meet you, and thanks for the comment. cheers nell
I love you Nell. I wish -and I think most of us wish we could "be there for you". I hate a damn bully.
There are bullies everywhere, no matter the age or gender, but it sure makes me want to go down to that pub and sort them out (childish part of me coming out). You did a pretty good job on them at the time, though :)
I'm all for human freedom and understanding but sometimes it goes too far. I honestly don't know where you found the strength for this. You had your entire world turned upside down and squeezed through the looking glass! You are a strong woman and writing about this is going to help so many people. I just hope it's cathartic for you. Hugs :)
Hi Nell - Hubpages signed me out again in the middle of typing to you so my comment went in with no icon. That was from me :)
(((Nell))) big hugs girl! You've been through a horrendous experience and it is difficult to comprehend how people could take it out on you. They say what doesn't kill us makes us stronger (or something like that)and you are one incredible woman!
I am proud of you for finding the courage to stand up to the bullies when you were so vulnerable, so confused and so scared. It seems that there are always plenty of idiots around to judge others rather than looking at their own problems; what a pathetic way to make themselves feel "superior"
Hi, Mickey, thanks for your kind support, it was a nightmare at the time, but since then I have hardened up! I think the trouble is that people just don't think. especially bullies, I hope that one day they have a similar experience, so they know what it is like. thanks as always nell
Hi, SilverGenes, thanks so much, it was hard, and I got in so many fights because of it, sometimes verbal sometimes physical, and the worse thing was that I didn't feel safe or happy at home, or outside, but it did get there in the end, mind you I still don't like going out with him anywhere. He lives upstairs, and I live down! we do talk but if i had the money I would have moved years ago, thanks again nell
As someone else wrote, I hope you gain catharsis from writing about this painful experience.
While I have never known a transexual, I can imagine it must be painful to realize you are a woman living in a man's body, and I can guess he must be going through pain, too. But there is absolutely no excuse for those cruel bitches in the bar. I am glad you found the strength to stand up to them!
Hi, Izzy, thanks for reading it, I was surprised at the venom thrown my way at the time. I would have thought that people would have been sympathetic towards me because of my husband, now I know different! unbelievable. thanks again nell
It never fails to amaze me the extend of the horrible insensitive and vile things one human can visit upon another. Conversely it never fails to amaze me the beautiful, awe inspiring, generous and empathetic acts one human can bestow upon another or others. We live in a world of extremes and everything in between. In this case two miserable wretches came upon someone who was feeling more miserable and wretched then they at that moment in time and they took a miserable and nasty dump in an attempt to divest themselves of their own garbage! The difference between you and them Nell is that your misery was part of your journey - to those two it is a way of life and they are well and truly stuck in it. You however, are not! Bless you on your journey and for having the courage to take it!
Hi, Petra, I have no idea why bullies do what they do, probably for the thrill of the moment. I think it is also the fact that they have feelings of self loathing in one way or another, I just think they should grow up and sort it out! thank you again nell
Hi, mysterylady, thanks for reading it, yes my husband did go through a lot of pain over this, and I took myself to evening classes to learn psychology where I passed all my exams, and we did do this subject, I now understand it more, I think bitches and bullies go through life just causing trouble, the funny thing is that when anything happens to them they can't understand why nobody is sympathetic! ho hum, stupid is as stupid does! (forest gump)! lol thanks nell
Hi, thanks raisingme, I had to fight my corner or else the bullies would have won, but there were a lot more of them out there after that, but by that time i had realised that they existed and was a bit more prepared! thanks as always nell
Oh Nellie - I wish I had been there for you - I would have beaten the snot out of those freaks! What kind of a person does that kind of thing I always say but it takes all kinds, doesn't it? It sounds like you were having panic attacks - no WONDER!!! I can't believe you had to go through that - and I know that you are still friends with him because of what you've told me! That is the amazing part. You are a good, good person, Nells - and don't you forget it. I know it must have been and still must be very difficult to come to terms with - but it doesn't change who you are. Maybe it made you wiser and taught you things (god knows you didn't want to know) but I always think the worst times (afterwards) are for some reason although at the time they seem like torture. Will look for the rest of the story! Don't forget - if you need back-up, all you have to do is let me know and I'll take 'em on!
Hi, Audrey, beat the snot out of them? lol I bet you would have too, thank you, I am in the process of writing the next one, which is pretty bizarre, I can tell ya! ha ha and I will give you a call when i need someone to get my back! lol thanks as always, nell
When anyone says anything about someone else - even if it is something good, the speaker is describing him/her self. Taking it to heart is futile. The bullies are simply trying to transfer their self-loathing to someone else and of course, they try to lay it on those they think are the most vulnerable and helpless to resist it and/or those they can get the biggest "rise" out of.
But remember one thing: the best resistance is to not even acknowledge, much less to accept it as if it had ANYTHING to do with oneself! Even fighting back is more acknowledgement than they deserve - and frankly bullies fight on emotional grounds, so when they think they have you either fleeing or fighting them on their turf, they feel encouraged. Don't. Don't give them that. It's the strongest response you can give. to just give it NOTHING - no credence, as though it deserved any, or any of your attention of any sort, including trying to instruct them.
Head held high, chin up, the look of total self-awareness, self togetherness and unperturbed self-confidence is the most devastating response they do not want to get!!!
Give them what they do NOT want most: being trivialized. They will not come back for more of the same but will have to slink off and go look for more responsive victims who will give them big attention. -- And trust me, physical victory may be possible if one is physically much stronger, but it will NOT win anything that was actually being challenged - which is YOUR emotional confidence & serenity. In fact fighting physically demonstrates how much effect it has on you - just their objective.
Yes, you made a brave showing, of course, and seeing it from that first-hand perspective, it was indeed brave. - But you crumbled immediately afterward big-time, because their effect was still there on you and in you - so they won that much - and possibly were aware of it. The main thing was YOU were aware of it! It left you drained and feeling defeated. It need not have been so. YOU had done nothing to be upset about and not any reason to allow some self-loathing punks to take the wind out of your sails, either at the moment of the confrontation or any time thereafter!! THEY JUST DIDN'T RATE THAT!! Right???????
But you've now learned and can tell it like it happened and that was how it happened. You were put to an awful test and you responded with courage. Next time you can also win big time by giving them NOTHING to gloat about and taking NOTHING negative for your own from it.
You're loved, and that's the main thing!! You are valuable. Your value is all YOURS - not dependent on how your husband's problem reflects on you or on anything else but your own dignity and beauty.
Your husband's predicament is sad. You were hurt by it of course. My first online "guru" was a guy who eventually revealed himself to me as a transvestite - sent me pictures and everything. I wanted to feel sympathetic - but I was just stunned. I didn't know what I could do with the information. Of course I didn't reject him, but I guess I didn't embrace it either and he drifted away. I can only imagine how devastating it was for you to find out your own husband, the father of your child - feels himself to be a woman inside. Nothing for you to feel badly about yourself - but the whole idea of it is so overwhelming. I can see you are now a strong, self-confident woman who has lived through all of it and is the better for it. Good for you, Nell! I look forward to reading more about how you worked through it.
Sometimes I wonder if the bullies read. If they do, I think they will be a more thoughtful and considerate people.
wow like everyone else has said, its amazing that full grown people can still find bullying humourous. You would think that women would be more sympathetic to another woman in this type of situation instead of adding to the pain. You are a very strong person Nell. Cheers.
Hi, Nellieanna, thank you so much, I totally understand what you mean, and I think that I have learned to do that a bit more now. I think the problem at the time was the fact that I felt strong mentally to go out, but it wasn't until I was verbally attacked that I realised the house I had built around me was just made of paper, if you understand what I mean, I wasn't thinking straight and like a wounded animal I struck out, but now I have learned to keep quiet, unless someone is right in front of me, then it's different! thank you for understanding, cheers nell
Hi, Ingenira, thanks for stopping by, you are so right, I think those sort of people never pick up a book, never learn to study, or anything like that, maybe if they did, they would surely learn something. thanks nell
Hi, Ladyjane, you would think so wouldn't you? the difference usually is that a man will yell it in your face and a woman will stab you in the back! lol but in this case it was the other way round!! so refreshing! I think not! lol thank you again nell
Well you did the right thing, the longer you put something off, the longer it takes to get over...and that is true for you and your family. I use to dress up my brothers into girls or women for years,clothes lipstick, the works, its a wonder I didn't turn one of them into one and come to think of it, it would be an improvement. I am still so very ignorant about these things I fear saying the wrong thing but I know pain is in so many things, even perfectly normal looking couples. You have nothing to feel bad about and everyone hates bullies, and remember a rose by any other name is still a rose.
Life has an unusual way of knocking us to our knees and it is so unfortunate that there is usually a bully or two just waiting for an opportunity to hit you again and literally destroy you if possible while you are in a weakened state. It never fails...
The important thing is not to let them win. Bullies are the most miserable unhappy people in the world; and the only way they can feel good is by making someone else more miserable than they are.
The important thing is to remember that you are not the only woman that is having to deal with this type of situation. As a matter of fact, it seems to be happening more and more now a days. I don't usually attach links, but Oprah has a section online about others having to deal with this very situation http://www.oprah.com/oprahshow/State-of-the-Union. Maybe, it can help in some small way or help someone else who might be reading this.
Know that you had NO direct impact on your husband's decisions, continue to take time to breathe, move forward, and surround yourself with positive thoughts as often as you can.
man, people can really be brutal. I'm glad you stood up to those bar hags.
Hi, Polly, that's okay I know how you feel about not knowing what to say, I had no idea about this sort of thing until my husband did it. Oh, I had seen people on the TV talking about it, but I just thought it was quite amusing or sad or even pathetic! pull yourself together man! type of thing, that was one of the main problems talking about it to people, they would get imbarrassed or feel sick! luckily there were not many of them! lol but now I just tell everyone! my husbands a TS hows your day? ha ha thanks as always nell
Hi, Money Glitch, thanks again for reading it, you are so right, I now know that there are others out there going through the same thing with there husbands or wives, I asked Jake once, 'if I had done this to you, would you have left me in the lurch with bills and all? and he said, course not! well he would wouldn't he!! thanks for the link I will check it out, we love Oprah over here!
Well it would be much better than cheating on you and I am sure the problem has played hell with him too, having to hide, I don't know, it seems easier to me to have God help you out of these temptations than fight it on your own, but I wouldn't want him to feel such guilt he would harm himself, there is always forgiveness and in a sense I feel you really have forgiven him too as bad as it might hurt. I only wish you all a normalcy to get on with life in a semblance of happiness at least.
Hey Nell there was a problem with the first link that I provided above so here it is again
http://www.oprah.com/oprahshow/State-of-the-Union
Take care!
Hi, Polly we do seem to get on all right now, he lives upstairs, I live down, my son comes and goes as he pleases, we go on without any change between us, until I find another man that is! lol as for religion, we both have a pagan/christian belief and I am always chatting away to God as though He is sitting in front of me in the chair! lol He must be fed up with me going on all the time, but seriously we are okay together at the moment, it is not ideal but hey ho, that is what a lot of people have to put up with, and things did get a bit weird at times, as the next story will show you! ha ha thanks again nell
Hi, Money Glitch, thanks for that, I did try it earlier but couldn't seem to get it, and then I had to go out. Thanks for sending it again, I will check it out now, cheers nell
Nell your story is told so well and with such emotion I have to say it's like being there with you, seeing faces, feeling emotions..I could go on. You've really become one of my heroes as well as one of my favorite writers.
Hi, Green Lotus, thank you so much for your kind words, that means a lot to me, I just try and remember back as best I can. there are so many things that happened, I could write a play about it! lol thanks again nell
those two women must have horrible self esteem to behave so rudely/crassly. i hope you and your son emerge from this situation heads held high.
I agree with Nellieanna mostly, "It's the strongest response you can give. to just give it NOTHING - no credence, as though it deserved any, or any of your attention of any sort, including trying to instruct them."
And that would be because it does not deserve any.
I have had so many bullies in my life and most of it is because people do not see outside themselves. We watch others and criticize them not knowing anything about them. We were trained by others who judged as they saw fit not knowing the circumstances of those they were judging.
Some of my bullies were repeating things that their parents had said. This is where children learn it--from adults. So yes, adults are still bullies.
Many times we are the bully and we don't see it. You see an extremely overweight person ordering 3 big macs, a large fry and large coke. What is your first thought?
It is not something of sympathy or empathy, it is criticism. This person may have a problem knowing when they are full. They may crave food in place of love they did not receive as a child.
But most people look at them and think,"Wow, he/she needs to lose weight." or "Like you need 3 big macs!!!"
Then there is also the bully who bullies because they don't understand something. Like--"Why, would he want to be a woman?"
They don't understand because they are content with their gender, or they are afraid to speak out because they don't want others to bully them.
I wonder if you could look at your husband and see that even though he wants to be a woman he loves you, and you are his best friend. He didn't lie to you when he said those vows. He meant them and that was the only world he knew he could have at the time. You both were blessed with a son that you cherish. If he had known he wanted to be a woman sooner there would be no son to love.
You have an amazing life and even though some do not understand it, you only need to embrace it. From pain comes much joy, just as the birth of your son.
I have learned a lot from my journey through life and I am trying to share some of that wisdom through my stories, just as you are doing here.
*May God bless you and keep you safe always! (as my mother would say) But blessed be your days and nights forever. (from your choice of spirituality)
Sincerely,
Darlene (Dardia)
Hi, breath2travel, there are always people that come out of the woodwork to cause trouble, i could see it in their eyes when i first walked in, but we are fine now thanks, we still get stupid remarks sometimes but unless someone can come up with something really interesting and new, I tend to ignore them! lol thanks nell
Hi, Dardia, your comments are probably the closest to the truth without me actually having to write a hub about them! wow you are so right, and as for the bullies, I did learn to get them back very cleverly, for example in the pub one night, a man, believe it or not, men don't usually bitch but this one did, this man started on me in front of his friends, I let him go on and on and on.. then at the end when he was quiet and triumphant or so he thought I said in a very loud voice, 'But ben, you know that I know you have the same tendencies, you told your mother and she confided in me? so why are you saying this for? I told you i would help you........! ha ha got him! he went bright red and his friends started laughing at him, after he had scuttled out of the pub, his friends all bought me a drink! Touche' thanks nell
Lol! That is rather funny! I did something similar when I was in High School. A bully sitting behind me stuck up his fist threateningly, as I turned to see the teacher at the back of the room writing on the blackboard. Normally I was quiet and shy, but for some reason I just told him, "Try it and find yourself on the floor." His jaw dropped and he never picked on me again.
people pick on insecurity, not the situation itself. It's kind of like dogs who pick on the weak. Own your situation, accept it, it's not about you- your husband is a spearate person, and hold your head up high. Also, I would have said to the lady "I know about your secret. I know who you are, want to tell everbody? etc." have her playing a guessing game and getting insecure about herself even if you have no dirt on her, but sounds like you got your revenge on some bullies so that's good. Going on a night in the town might have seemed like a good idea, but with your level rawness at the time, going to a support group or sticking close to a few friends would have been ideal.
Kids always seem ok even when they're not. Because of my situation (similar to yours) I grew up thinking a kid has to be stronger than the parent because I was for so many years as my mom crumbled and broke down and disengaged from me when my father got his sex change. She had put up with hs crossdressing for many years- they were married 18 years total by the end. I've learned how selfish parents can be- my dad was all about his new change and my mom was all about feeling sorry for herself. As a mom now , I know personally that there are times when I feel like I can't be strong, but I know what it's like to have a parent crumble and ot having life skills to know what to do as a kid- so I have to be strong for my daughter even at a point curently in my life when everying IS crumbling on me.
Hi, Dardia, that was good! it's funny isn't it the way that bullies crumble when you have a go back, i learned that at school, a girl was constantly picking on me, and I had been shy for years, and this day in particular, we were going to the library and she stopped in front of me and kicked me! so without thinking, the worm turned! ha ha I picked her up and slammed her head against the headmasters door! I know that sounds bad, but I couldn't stop myself, I had three people trying to get me off of her, afterwards she sat on the other side of the classroom and was shaking like a leaf! only one person tried it again and I tipped them into the school pond! where that came from I have no idea, but it worked! thanks nell
Hi, izettl, parents can be very selfish I know, in my defense I was just so shocked to start with that for a few months I felt like I was having a breakdown, I also had a kidney operation to contend with, as time went on I got mentally stronger, and now my son always comes first, but my husband got it in the neck for years! I yelled and argued, told him to go, which he did for a while, and then things happened within the family that made us cling together for a while, but in hind sight I would have done it differently if my health at the time and my parents health didn't have to come first. I am sorry that you had to go through this too, it is amazing to me how many other people also experience it, well done for coping so well and I look forward to reading your work, cheers nell
Wow Nell, what a great sory and well written. Thanks for sharing. It must have been hard
Hi, Granny's House, thanks for reading it, it was hard at the time and it seems to be changing all the time, even now we don't talk to each other, but people still seem to make comments to me! lol thanks nell
I was always quiet when bullied too. I know that hot-faced-sick-stomach-shaky-voice-wobbly-knees-please-god dont-let-me-cry-feeling. Im glad you've gotten past it.
Hi, DoorMattnomore, it was a nightmare, wasn't it when you feel like that. never again, my anger gets in the way now! I have learned when to yell back thank goodness, thanks again nell
Nice hub, Nell. I can't say anything. I really enjoy your story. Thumbs up for you. Thank you very much. Have a good day! Peace:-)
Hi, prasetio, thanks for liking my story, and I hope you too have a great day, cheers nell
It always astounds me, the depth of stupidity that some people possess. You stood up to them, and that's what you should do, it's the only thing that works. What your husband has gone through has nothing to do with you, you are the same wonderful person you were before. I'll be interested in the next installment, and particularly interested when you get to the happily ever after portion of your life that I am certain you're working on!!
Hi, mulberry, thanks for your comments, i totally agree, so many people always get it wrong, they see something and think it is funny or lash out when they have no idea what it is all about, thanks for your interest and I will be thinking about the next one to write, not sure about the happy ending with the situation though! lol thanks nell
Hi Nell Rose,
Of all the life challenges we can expect to face, there's simply no way to prepare for this. I'm so glad you're writing about your experience. It's helpful to others. As uncommon as it is, you're not the only wife to face it.
And hopefully it's helpful to you to get it out.
Congratulations on the mature way you handled those bar bullies. They sound like real winners -- I can just picture theml. Ugh.
I know you know this, but your HP friends are here for you! God bless, MM
Hi, MM, thank you so much for your kind words, I have wanted to write about this for some time, but i wasn't sure how, now it seems to be tumbling out! lol thanks again nell
How brave of you to share your story with us. Thank you. I hope it has helped you to move forward. Take care and best wishes to you.
Hiding in closets and pretending to be what we are not leads to remarkable pain. I am so sorry you had to fall victim to the many cruel people who fear things they know nothing of. This is why it remains so important to be ourselves, gay, straight, bi, trans or whatevr you are within your being. Hiding nothing is the kindest way to not end up hurting someone you love.
I am ashamed of those women who struck out at you in the pub, but I am honored to have read your words as to how you handled them. You are beautiful.
~Always choose love~
Your article was very good You made me see things on so many levels.Many I can relate to personally, Like loosing the man you thought was your husband I am currently going through this pain but not because of him being a trans sexual. But the pain is the same and the attacking of the people around you not being simpathetic to you as you thought. Boy I can really relate to that.The bullies, and your reaction it is all to real for me right now. I hope that I can be as strong as you ,But I am still crying incontrolably. Hopfully when I am stronger I will be able to write about it and maybe help others as you have. Thanks so much for your story it has brought me hope to go on in life.
Hi, Lannie, thanks for reading it, it took a while but I thought that if I wrote about my husband it might help other people so I got it out eventually! lol thanks so much nell
Hi, K9, thanks for commenting, you are so right, we should always be ourselves and open right from the start, then when people know who you are it is not so much of a shock, I don't understand bullying, what the get out of it i have no idea, but I don't take it now! lol thanks again nell
hi, IKgolds I am so sorry that you are going through this, it is a nightmare at the time, but believe me when I say that it doesn't last forever, and one day you will begin to see the whole picture outside of the 'bubble' that you are in now. there will always be bullies but they will soon move on to someone else! I was going to swear then! and you will pull yourself up and see it for what it was at the time, and learn from it, just do everything for yourself at this time, and everything will fall into place, good luck and thank you for writing, take care, Nell
Hi Nell, this is a wonderfully written story and I hope that you continue to share it here. I wish you all the luck and if hope that in doing what you are doing you are seeing things from different angles.
I really enjoyed this hub, it captured my attention and kept me reading. Thank you.
This is the incredible thing about life. If it can happen, chances are it will. It is possible to be living in a city but the people can be like a jungle. It isn't always possible to know whether there is risk, danger, or joy around the next corner or sadness at the end. Most relationships start with the word that most of us are familiar with, and that word is "Hello".
nice hub
Hi, Zac, thank you for reading it, I certainly see relationships in a different way now, I used to think that marriage was the only 'right' thing, but now I know that there are many people out there living with, or like me, sharing a house with someone different that I would not even have thought of before. Thanks so much nell
Hi, World-Traveler, thanks for coming over to read this, i totally agree, most of the time life throws different things at you, good and bad, happy or sad, sorry I sound like a poet! but seriously, this was something that I never even thought off, when I got married I only thought that would be it, or if we got a divorce it would be because I had met someone else, or he had, never this! strange times! lol thanks again nell
Hi, kellydove, thanks for reading it, cheers nell
It has been an interesting story to read Nell and I honor your courage and honesty. It sounds like you have come a long way. I pray that you are through the "victim" stage and have moved on knowing you had nothing to do with "his" journey. Spouses/Partners are purely witnesses, but often they think that they are somehow responsible for what another person goes through. A catalyst maybe, but still not responsible for another persons actions. The same thing happens with parents. You are only responsible for your own actions, you cannot harm another person unless they allow you to (& vice versa). While this seems strange the experience you are having, you are not alone. Many have walked this path, just know that they survived to thrive and so will you! Blessings of Love to you Nell ;-)
Hi, sequoiablessed, thank you for reading it, I know that you are totally right about it being him and nothing to do with me. I think the trouble is that when it first came out, I was trying to find words to cover it up, most people say, my husband this or that, but I didn't know what to call him. I did everything to change the subject to such an extent that even when we were talking about something else, I always found myself guarding my speech. I still do it today, and even though I know I am not to blame, I feel that I have been trapped within this situation and can't find a way out, but I am getting used to it, and hopefully a man will come along and be strong enough mentally to want me and the baggage that I carry because of my husband, you never know! thanks so much nell
Hi Nell, your story says a lot about how fragile human nature is. And that bullies are the most fragile. No judgment, no confidence, no emphaty. And if you blow on them, as you did, they die. Once, when I was a kid, I beat a bully boy so hard that he never dare to come close to my house again. I like the part were you tell them how you are going to remove their teeth. It is good to see you recovered after all.
Hi, cameciob, thanks for reading it, I would have removed their teeth one by one! lol bullys drive me mad, especially women. men to a certain extent are born that way because they are bigger and stronger so they do tend to pick fights, but I think that women should know better, it is a sign of a very low intellect when a woman resorts to bullying. thank you so much nell
Your overwhelming pain is so evident in your writing. How was Jake reacting during these horrible times? Was she trying to help? Was she trying to make things easier? Did she have support? You must still have so much anger. How are you able to deal with that?
Hi, Georgiakevin, thanks so much for reading these stories, I really appreciate it. I don't really remember how Jake handled it, it was funny because I tended to turn to my friends and family about it, I think at this time I was still keeping Jake at arms length, I remember going to see a councilor to talk it through and she was absolutely useless! she kept asking the same questions over and over again, she had no idea how to deal with his transformation. So we never went again, we just dealt with it ourselves. The problem was that Jake kept saying, I am not like all the other people who do this, so I don't need help from them! so i was thrown in the deep end and that was that. I tend now to just try and get on with my life and ignore her/him, I still say he instead of she! I treat it like a broken marriage, it is much easier, thanks so much nell
Nell, I am so sorry that you had to go through this. I am glad that you wrote about it. You are able to see how supportive people can be. I am the kind of person who accepts people for who they are and you are one of the kindest people I've ever read. You have a lot of insight and heart. Know that we are all here for you. Hang in there, my friend. Know that you are loved.
Hi, Artisina, thanks so much, it was hard at the time, but we seem to get on okay now, but I really appreciate it, cheers nell
Hi Nell,
I hope that you are walking on by with your head held high. (I made that rhyme without meaning to ha ha!!)
You deserve to for your care, love and strength.
Thanks for sharing this one with us.
Take care
Eiddwen.
Hi, Eiddwen, thanks so much, in was difficult at the beginning of all this, I just wanted him to leave, but it never works out that way! lol
You found your courage in that horrible night. I don't understand how anyone can be so cruel to another person and feed on the pain they inflict during an already painful situation but I'm so thankful you stood up. Moreover I'm so glad you have true friends to support you. You are stronger than you will ever know. Eiddwen is right. Hold your head high for you are what is good in humanity in the face of what is the worst, the pleasure taken in the suffering of another.
Luckily by the time all this happened I had learned to harden up over the years, if it had happened earlier I would have crumbled, but there was that little voice pushing me in the background, hard work though, thanks again for reading it, nell
i do want to read all the comments Nell I am sorry i just cannot.too stunned yet.
Thanks again, neeleshkulkarni.
it's hard for me to believe that adults can be so cruel. But, I guess some people never change. I loved how you described the bullies, by the way... and I still admire your strength and courage.
Thanks so much PDX, I really appreciate it, cheers nell
I know it was draining on you to go through such an ordeal. I am glad you fought the bullys without volence...I hope it made you feel better later! Thank you for part 2 of your story!
Hi audra, thanks so much, it was hard at the time, but this is going to be deleted tomorrow because I fihished me ebook! yeah! lol! so hopefully I do it properly, I just asked the lovely Rolly for a bit of advice, and he told me exactly what I needed to do to get it done, so hopefully something good comes out of the whole sorry mess, thanks as always, nell
Freya Cesare Level 4 Commenter 22 months ago
How old are you at that time, Nell? It is hard to believe that people still bully other people in this way even if you already fully adult! Lucky you, you win that one! You go girl!
Please don't take too long to write the next one, Nell. :)